Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Breaking the cycle

Justice Thomson

For a couple of years, I have become a cold-hearted person. Much of it is because I hide the pain of my experiences in the past and I choose not to make myself vulnerable in a world that seems to takes its enjoyment out of ruining the rest of the planet. I tried in the past to be a positive person, but how could you fix a problem that you choose to hide from the rest of the world. Therefore, I guess I will show my problem to the whole world in hopes that it could fix my situations. On November 24, 2003, his mother took my son from his daycare. She not only had taken him without my consent, but she decided to take him to another country. In some case dudes, neglect the fact of raising their children. However, I had not only raised my son...and when I say raised I mean that I had taken him to and from school every day. I spent every minute and dollar to provide a better lifestyle for him. At a point where I was dealing with several women, I developed a stable environment so that he could flourish in a beautiful human. Even though that is not what I wanted at the time. I decided, with no regrets, to put my life on hold so that I could create the best life for him and that was all snatched from me. When this occurred, I spent over 6 months using the "legal" system to “help” me. They did nothing but ridicule me for being a father that wanted to raise his child. The judges that I encountered neglected to see the urgency of my problem and even went as far as to allow her to leave the country even after they were notified that she had taken him unjustly. A deceitful and destructive woman snatched power and I felt I was given the only option I knew to escape the problem...sex, sex, sex. The same thing that led to the problem was the only escape that I could think of in this situation. I fucked until I could not...but what ended up happening is I harden up to relationships and feelings. I have met many of the greatest women a man could meet and couldn't feel anything because I was so hardened. There were even several occasions where women have cried their hearts out, and I stared at them as if they were nothing to me. Too cold to even acknowledge their tears. Not because I truly viewed them in a negative light, but the fact is that, I felt I could not be emotional, because I know the after effects of having emotions. I have even lost relationships to my cold heart. I want to change those qualities about myself, but it is hard when you have been hurt and enraged for sooooooooo long. I have prayed that I will find the peace that will heal my soul, because I cannot continue like this…
Linkin Park- My December

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am proud of you. Breaking cycles are one of the most difficult things in life to do. But once you make a deliberate effort to do so, God will help you through the rest. And once you've begun to see the light in each new day vs. the darkness, Justice be on (and by) your side to dwell with you in that light. There is where humanity thrives and survives but most importantly loves. Never in darkness - but this is something we all have to seek for ourselves first before a new age can begin. Good luck on your journey...we're cheering for you!

Anonymous said...

Damn that is deep and very painful, I commend you for expressing yourself, I would not know what to do myself. I understand your hurt and frustration, and my only suggestion is, bro stay strong the light shall be revealed.

Wally

God's Pupil said...

We work and grow. It's hard but I am willing to go for the change. I will have him back very soon

Tiffani said...

Things will work out....just keep on pushing and he will come back. Hi Justice!!

God's Pupil said...

Thanks