Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Brutal Honesty

Ashlee Desire

For my birthday I wrote myself a letter and I was very serious with myself. I wanted to share this you young world, because we make mistakes and don't learn from them. It had taken a day like today for me to realize how much I needed to change. I have been working on me for quite a while. This blog is helping to me to make that change...one day at a time!

Happy Birthday to me...yesterday I was in a funk. Not because I have become 2* which is a great accomplishment (where I'm from)! But for the fact that I am still caught in the web: women. I deleted numbers galore and here comes another. Yeah I know I don't need to talk to them or entertain the energy, but for some weak reason I still do it. Is it me trying to prove something? Is it an insecurity? Is it just childish behavior? Either way it still affect 50% of the shit I do...sad to say. The other 50% is trying to make life better for my family. Since its my birthday I feel I need to get a couple of things off my chest. First, being 2* feels great. At 17 I was told that I wouldn't be shit (I was event expected to be in jail before my 18th birthday). I was so dedicated to change that I carved the word "PERFECT" in my arm because all I wanted to be is perfect. After years of successes and failures, I am feeling better about where I am, I know I still have far to go. God has made foot prints in the sand, and all I have to do is walk in them. Next, I wonder what the f*ck am I doing with these women? It's crazy to me...I can talk on the phone with one every single day and then tomorrow I could careless if I see or hear from her again. I wonder if it me being in competition with my dudes? Am I trying to prove something to myself? Am I a misogynists? I wondering about this a lot because I know that I am unhappy with the constant chase (of nu nu). Even more so, I'm tired of settling for less than I deserve. I have the best woman a man could have...she is smart, driven, beautiful, community center, family loving, supportive, and strong. I could see myself marrying her when I'm ready to get married. But I still have this demons that haunt my soul. I had a nightmare last night that she caught me with someone I could careless about. She and I have cried and promised and cried and promised and cried...and still I at it again. I really feel Me'shell NdegeOchello when she said "I have never been faithful to anyone except God." Cause I have been the same way. All of my relationship i have cheated. In most cases, I cheated when the relationship began to fall apart, but still I have cheated. I hope that my existence is not consumed by this one thing...I deserve more than that for myself. Lastly, this upcoming year. This year is going to be about achieving my dream. Financial freedom, and cutting back on all my addictions. I am closer to both. I know that I am outgrowing my old habits, but at times I feel like I am back to my old habits. The following things I need to incorporate in my life so that I could achieve greatness.
1. Consistency in everything (checking)
2. Exercise (check)
3. Save money (check)
4. Cut the fat- everyone is not your friend (checking)
5. Control yourself! It will be there tomorrow! (check)

Thankful - MeShell Ndegeocello


Southern_Lady said...

Hi! Love the blog and happy birthday!

God's Pupil said...

Thank you...appreciate the kind words